I Love Kitty
by Rogue238
Summary: AU Blame this entire story on RedWitch!  Piotr is a singer in a nightclub; Kitty is his wife.  They rent an apartment from Rogue and Gambit.  Kitty comes up with hilarious schemes and somehow talks Rogue into go along with them. Rated T to be safe!
1. The Girls Want to Go to a Nightclub

**AN: Blame it on RedWitch. Blame it on RedWitch. Blame it on RedWitch!**

**This fic is a parody of the popular show, "I Love Lucy." I know I normally don't write stories that aren't strictly Romy centered, but in this case - give me a break. Rogue would KILL me if I cast her as Lucy. This is not a parody like my normal parodies. Raven and Lightning will NOT be showing up. This is an AU comedy where mutants are considered just normal people. Each chapter will have its own plot. They will not be using exact dialogue and possibly not even the script. I will probably be using the past tense. I will try not to use their code names, but bear with me on this one. I'm not used to calling Rogue "Anna."**

**Ages:**

**Piotr: 30**

**Kitty: 25**

**Rogue, aka Anna: 27**

**Remy: 32**

**So, without further ado:**

**I Love Kitty**

Episode One:

The Girls Want To Go To a Nightclub

Anna was over at Kitty's apartment, helping her wash dishes. Technically, she was making sure Kitty didn't burn the place down. After all, Anna and Remy owned the apartment and had met Kitty and her husband, Piotr, when they decided to rent the place. Anna is drying. "Y'all missed a spot."

"It's, like totally, part of the design," Kitty said without looking.

"Really?"

Kitty looked at the plate, "Yeah, can't you see. It's, like, flowers and – gravy." She took the plate back.

"What kinda gravy is that?" Anna scrunched up her nose.

"Just gravy," Kitty replied.

"It's green," Anna remarked, "and it has chunks in it."

"It tastes better than it looks," Kitty said angrily.

"It's glowing," deadpanned Anna.

Kitty glared at her and turned back to the dishes.

Anna dropped the issue and put the dry dishes back on the shelf. "Ah meant ta tell ya, Remy and Ah were talkin', and we want Piotr and y'all ta come celebrate with us on Monday night. It's our anniversary."

"Like, really?" Kitty squealed.

"Uh huh," Anna gathered another dish. "It's our sixth, and Ah vowed that Swamp Rat's gonna take me to a nightclub on our weddin' anniversary at least once before he dies."

Kitty stared at her, "Before he dies?"

"Well, before Ah kill him," Anna laughed bitterly.

Kitty blinked.

"Here's the plan," Anna informed her. "Ah'll go in there and say, 'Ah know what we should do Monday night! Let's go ta a nightclub.' And you second the motion, and Piotr will jump ta his feet and say, 'That sounds great!' Then, Rems will have ta take me, because…"

Kitty tapped her shoulder, "Piotr jumps to his feet? Are you serious?"

Rogue thought about it, "Okay, ya're probably right. He sits there and says it, then."

"Wrong. Piotr hates nightclubs."

"But he works in one! Doesn't he take ya out ta them all the time?"

Kitty huffed, "That's, like totally, what I thought would happen, but no. Ever since we said 'I do,' there are so many things we don't."

Anna sighed, "Well, it was a fun idea while it lasted. It was gonna be Daniel's Inferno."

Kitty's jaw dropped. She'd been wanting to go there badly. "Wow, Daniel's Inferno. Don't worry, we'll go."

"We will," Anna raised an eyebrow at her.

"Like sure," Kitty nodded, "I want to go as much as you do, but don't forget you can, like totally, catch more flies with honey than vinegar."

"Y'all mean be nice ta them?" Anna asked.

"Yeah!"

"Don't ya think Remy will get suspicious?"

Kitty rolled her eyes, "He'll never know what hit him. We'll be so lovey-dovey to them, they'd agree to go bungee-jumping off the Empire State Building."

"Ah don't think this'll work, Kitty," Anna sighed.

"Of course, it will, Anna," Kitty responded.

"Ah got a bad feelin' about this," Anna grimaced.

Back in the living room, Piotr and Remy were sitting comfortably in Kitty and Piotr's furniture. "Homme, are you doing anyt'ing Monday night?"

"I do not think so, comrade. It is my night off. Vhy?"

"Remy would like you to join him in the commemoration of a six-year-old tragedy."

Piotr raised his eyebrow. "Vhat do you mean?"

"C'est our wedding anniversary," he nodded at the kitchen door, which was shut.

Piotr laughed, "Oh, you vant us to join you in a celebration!"

"Don't look so happy," Remy remarked. "You ain't t'e one who has to live wit' Anna."

"Well, at least Anna is a good cook," Piotr mumbled.

"Oui, she is t'at," Remy grinned. "Remy'd like to take her to a steakhouse and t'en take in t'e fights."

"Fights? You sure Anna vill like that?" Piotr didn't look so sure.

"Sure, Anna loves fights," Remy grinned. "Well, maybe not boxing, though."

"Vell, if you vant to go to the fights, I think you should. After all, it is your anniversary, too. There must be some vay to get the girls to go."

"We could always tie t'em up and carry t'em in."

Piotr laughed, "Tying does not work so vell with Kitty. She phases through the ropes."

"Nah, Anna neither – though it used to be fun to try," Remy grinned again.

"Remy!"

"Remy did marry t'e girl, didn't he?" He looks very frustrated, however. "Ugh, why did Remy marry a girl he can't touch, again?"

Piotr laughed at him, "Look, I have idea. As soon as they come in, ve vill be really nice to them. Soften them up, you see? Smooch them."

"Smooch? Anna?" Remy rolled his eyes. "Remy t'ought t'e idea is to get t'em to go to t'e fights, not to pass out on t'e floor."

"Okay, so maybe no smooching."

"It might work, but don't you t'ink Anna might get suspicious?" Remy asked.

"Uh, maybe…"

Just then, the girls walk in. "How can four people, like, use so many dishes."

"One of them is _you_," Anna said. Kitty rolled her eyes. The guys stood up. Anna was immediately suspicious. "What's wrong. Why are y'all standin' up?"

"Can't a man be happy to see his wife?" Remy asked.

"Yeah, that'll be the day," muttered Anna.

"Ve stood up because two gorgeous ladies just entered the room," Piotr said, trying to avoid a fight between Remy and Anna.

"Really? Who?" Kitty asked as she looked around the room.

Anna looked at them and then tapped Kitty, "They mean us."

"Oh!" Kitty smiled at Piotr. She walked into his arms, "Oh you sweet, giant, Russian lover, you!"

Piotr was all smiles. The plan was working perfectly.

Anna looked skeptical, but Kitty glared at her. She rolled her eyes. "Ah, ya sweet, handsome Cajun, you." She smiled at Remy.

Remy took a step back. The plan was working? That was a shock.

Piotr grinned at Kitty, "You gorgeous, exciting woman, you!"

Remy took a deep breath, "Well, ya're nice to look at, at least."

Anna wanted to punch him, but she knew that would ruin the plan. She took a deep breath. It had been a long time since she had _tried_ to be nice to her husband. "Ah, ain't he a charmer? Darlin', why don't ya sit down here?" She pointed to a chair.

Kitty hoped Anna could make it through the evening without strangling Remy. "Oh yeah, you sit down, too, baby."

"Vell, you sit down on my lap. You vill be more comfortable," Piotr said as he sat on the couch. Kitty immediately climbed into his lap.

Remy sighed, "You sit in t'is chair, chérie, it's much more comfortable."

"Oh, but, sugah, if it's so comfortable, Ah want ya'll ta have it."

"Anna, could ya do one thing Remy asks ya?"

"Oh, Ah want ya to be absolutely comfortable." Anna said it at the same time.

"I SAID SIT DOWN!" Remy shouted, too mad to use third person. He pushed her into the chair. Piotr glared at him. He sat on Anna's lap, just to make a point.

"Swamp Rat, if y'all don't get up right now!"

Kitty coughed.

"Ah mean, Ah hope y'all are comfortable, Remy."

"Très," he growled.

Piotr coughed. Glaring at Piotr, Remy stood up. Anna stood up so Remy could sit. She then climbed into his lap, a place she hadn't been in a long, long time. The girls hugged them. Remy hugged his wife for the first time in a long while. He felt his throat catch. He swallowed and signaled the okay sign at Piotr, who signaled back.

Kitty jumped up. "Anyone want a cookie?"

Everyone's eye grew large. "Ah'll get them!" Anna raced to the cookie tray and came back quickly. She then proceeded to trip, spilling them all over the floor.

Remy rushed to her side. "You okay, chère?" he managed to ask nicely.

"Ah _think_ so," Anna lied. She had invulnerability after she had accidentally absorbed her high school rival, Carol Danvers, permanently. Gambit knew that because it had been only a few years back, before they met Kitty and Piotr. He actually gave her a hand getting up. She knew something was up. Remy hadn't been that nice in three years, not since their big fight.

"I vill clean these up," offered Piotr.

"Oh, thank you, Piotr!" Kitty squealed. She winked at Anna, who shrugged at her.

"Sorry I ruined the cookies, everyone," Anna lied. Piotr and Remy gave her thankful looks.

"Oh, don't worry about it. I'll make some more tomorrow," Kitty said with a giggle. Piotr groaned softly.

"You know, Piotr," Kitty started, "There's only one time you look handsomer than you do right now, when you're all dressed up."

"Ah think a nice suit is the best thang a man can wear," Anna agreed.

"Unless l'homme is wearing boxin' trunks," Remy said.

Piotr snapped his fingers like he just got an idea, "Speaking of boxing, there is nothing more exciting than a ring-side seat."

"Yes, sir, like, ring-side seats at Daniel's Inferno," Kitty said, grinning.

At this point, Anna and Remy had been sitting on Kitty and Piotr's couch. Kitty was on one side and Piotr was on the other. Anna and Remy looked back and forth as the argument unfolded. Kitty and Piotr fought far less often than they did, but it was always entertaining, and usually, nothing got broken like it did when they fought.

"Look, Kitty, Monday is Remy's anniversary and he vants to go to the fights," Piotr said.

Kitty scowled at him, "Yeah, well, Monday is, like, Anna's anniversary, too, and she'd like to go to a nightclub."

"Vell, Remy is not going to go to any stuffy nightclub!"

Kitty put her hands on her hips. "Well, Anna's not going to any stale fights!"

"Kitty, do not push me too far," Piotr said. He was resisting the urge to change to his metal form. "It is the fights or nothing."

"Well, is that final?" Kitty asked. Piotr nodded. "You brought this on yourself. Anna wants a divorce!"

"Now, hold on a minute!" Anna said, jumping up. "Ah never said Ah wanted a divorce!"

"You want to go to a nightclub, don't you?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean it's worth a divorce!" Remy sat back and grinned. "Oh, don't get all full of ya'self, Swamp Rat! Kurt would never forgive me!"

Anna and Kitty yelled at each other. Piotr yelled at Kitty in Russian. Remy stood up, "Wait a minute!" They all stopped talking. "Everybody be calm." He used his empathy to sooth the situation. "We'll figure out a way to settle t'is t'ing."

Kitty spoke up, "I know, we'll, like, have a vote!"

"Cannot you guess how it vill turn out?" Piotr asked her.

"A vote!" Kitty insisted with a stomp of her foot.

"Fine!" Remy said. "Whoever wants to go to t'e fights, raise t'eir hands." Remy and Piotr raised their hands. "Two. Everyone t'at wants to go to a nightclub, raise your hand." He counted, "T'ree. Remy guess – wait, t'ree?"

"Kitty!" Piotr exclaimed, as she had both hands raised.

"Well, I really want to go to the nightclub!" she whined.

"We're going to t'e fights," Remy demanded.

"If ya go ta the fights, y'all can just go alone!" Anna snapped.

"Well, if t'at's t'e way you want it, Remy hope you have fun at home!"

"We won't be at home," Kitty said. "We're going dancing at Daniel's Inferno."

"Oh, yeah?" Piotr asked. "I hope you are enjoying dancing together, Katya."

"We won't be; we'll have dates."

"We will?" Anna asked. "Ah mean, yeah, we will!"

Remy's red-on-black eyes narrowed in anger. Piotr thought it was a big joke. He signaled Remy to start laughing. So they did.

"Go ahead and laugh, you two, but I know just who is dying to take us. They are both handsome and _younger than you_!"

"Oh, who are ya talkin' about?"

"I can't say it in front of them," Kitty insisted.

"So whisper it," Anna said. "It ain't like they got sensitive hearin' or nothin'."

Kitty whispered in her ear, "I'm still thinking about it."

"Oh!" Anna grinned, "Oh that'll be lovely! Maybe _they_ will know how ta treat a lady."

"Are you saying Remy don't?"

"Well, Ah didn't say that, but since it came up!"

"T'at's it! Piotr, come on. Let's go downstairs to our apartment. Remy don't much like t'e atmosphere up here." They two men started leaving.

"Fine, fine, walk away. Just like ya always do, Remy LeBeau!"

The door slammed behind them. Anna sat down and cried. Kitty hugged her carefully. "Don't worry, Anna. We'll get back at them!"

"We've sure made a mess of this," Anna sighed.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, Anna," Kitty said sadly. "I was just trying to put up a big front and they totally called my bluff."

"Well, what are we gonna do? Where are we gonna find dates?"

"Well, we'll figure it out." She thought for a moment, "Oh, I know! Oh, no, that won't work."

Anna thought about it, "Uh – no."

"Well, we must know two men that are single and attractive," Kitty insisted. "Two men who are single? Two men? A boy and a dog?"

Anna shook her head. "Guess we are out of luck, sug."

"Oh, I know! I'll get my old address book and call up some of my old boy friends!"

"Kitty!"

"Well, it's only a pretend date, Anna, and its only three years old. It's worth a try." She dug it out while Anna sat on the arm of the chair beside her. "This is an emergency. I'll start at the A's. Hmm, Lance Alvers. 555-7625." She dialed the number.

Remy had a drink in his hand and it did _not_ look like tea.

Piotr frowned at him. "Kitty and I have lived here for a couple of years, and all the time, Anna and you fighting, fighting, fighting. Are you sure it is vorth it?"

Remy groaned. "Remy is catholic." When Piotr obviously didn't understand, he continued, "Divorces ain't exactly smiled upon. Not to mention, Anna has a brother who is a priest. Kurt t'reatened to excommunicate me from t'e church if he ever leave her. Besides, made some promises to t'e girl, and Remy don't go back on his word."

Piotr nodded. "I see."

"Let's just concentrate on Monday night," Remy sighed. "We'll have fun. We'll go to t'at steakhouse and get huge steaks. Remy can put as much cayenne pepper on his as he wants, and Anna won't be t'ere telling him how he'll end up in t'e bathroom all night."

Piotr looked a little worried. "Do you think the girls can really get dates? They are young and pretty vomen."

Remy muttered, "Like anyone would want to go on a date wit' Anna." He rolled his eyes. "Stop worrying about it, homme."

"I keep thinking they vill go out to dinner somevhere, and they vill have some champagne, and then they vill go to Daniel's Inferno, and have more champagne, and then they vill dance, and then have more champagne. Vho knows vhat vill happen?"

"Yeah, t'at ain't much of a problem where Anna's concerned," growled Remy.

"Vell, it is vith Katya, and she sounded pretty mad," Piotr whined.

"What we need is a plan," Remy nodded.

"Ve could get dates to, and go to Daniel's Inferno. You know, keep an eye on the amount of champagne. No, that is not a very good idea."

"T'at is a brilliant idea!" Remy grinned, "Best idea you ever had, Piotr. Dates! We'll get us a couple of blondes just to help us keep an eye on our wives who've seen fit to go out wit' ot'er men. We keep an eye on t'em, and maybe make t'em a little jealous, no?"

"They cannot actually get mad at us for having dates if they are there vith other men."

"C'est a perfect situation!" Remy exclaimed.

Piotr looked at him, "You are the charmer, Vhere is address book?"

Remy groaned, "Anna destroyed it."

"Vhat?"

"Right after we got married, when things were nice, and Anna wasn't all crazy about her powers, she found it while Remy was knocked out and charged it, threw it right out the window. Remy woke up to t'e explosion." Remy shook his head sadly.

Piotr sighed, "I burnt mine vhen ve got married. Kitty said it vas American tradition. Come to find out, not so much."

"That is terrible," Remy said with a frown.

"Hey, I know vhat ve do! I vill call Jean Summers!"

"You mean t'e tramp who sings at the Xavier Club?"

"She is not tramp. She is nice, knows many vomen. She is married now, but she knows every girl in town." Piotr grinned as he reached for the telephone.

"Well, Remy is glad you t'ought of her," Remy punched Piotr in the shoulder gently.

Kitty has not had much luck on the telephone. She was down nearly to the end, "Yeah, nice talking to you too. It's been a long time. Wow, septuplets! Who would have, like guessed? Tell Taryn I said hi! Bye!"

"Well, that takes care of Young," Anna rolled her eyes. She read off the last of the names, two of which were dry cleaners.

"Oh, he'll definitely be free. No one would've married him!"

"Did you call Pete Wisdom? His name ain't marked off."

"Yeah, he's busy babysitting his grandson."

"Oh, right. Wait, grandson?" Anna blinked.

"Don't look at me like that. When I dated him, he was an interesting, older man." Anna's eyes grew two sizes. Kitty holds the phone. "Hello, oh, I must have the wrong number." She sighed. "Well, that was, like, the last of them."

Anna sighed, "What now? Remy's the only guy I ever dated."

"What? How did that happen?"

"Not a lot of guys interested in dating a girl they can't touch, Kit."

"Oh, yeah."

"Well, we can always call the zoo and order a couple of dancin' bears."

Kitty slammed her hands on the desk and picked up her cell phone again. "Why didn't I think of this before? I'll call Jean Summers!"

"Who?"

"She works at the Xavier Club, and she knows every guy in town!"

"Oh, Ah almost feel hopeful," Anna said, standing up to start pacing the floor.

"Hello, Jean? It's Kitty Rasputin. Oh, it's, like, very nice to hear your voice too, dear. I'll tell you why I called. It seems that a friend of mine, Anna LeBeau – they did! Piotr and Remy just called her. They did. They didn't! They did! They didn't! They did!"

"Well, did they or didn't they, Kitty?" Anna groaned.

"They, like totally, did! Sneaky little," Kitty muttered.

"What did they do, Kit?"

"They stole my idea," she grumbled.

"Those dirty, little two-timers!" Anna growled, feeling the strength of Carol's powers in her limbs. She felt like tearing the apartment complex up. "Just wait 'til Ah get my hands on that no-good, thievin' Swamp Rat!"

"Wait, wait, I, like, have a great idea," Kitty grinned evilly. "Jean? Sorry about that. I want you to get them dates for Monday night, but the dates will be Anna and me. Yeah, yeah, and one more thing: I want you to build up these beautiful blind dates, and tell them we'll meet them at Piotr's apartment at eight o'clock. Uh, huh, thanks, bye!"

Anna grinned at her. "Ah never thought you had it in ya!"

The girls laughed hard and long.

On Monday night, near eight o'clock, Remy and Piotr sat on Piotr's couch, waiting. They had dressed up and both looked rather nice. They were very nervous.

"Remy wonder what t'ey'll be like."

"Jean said they vere just knock-outs, drop-dead gorgeous." Piotr straightened his tie. "Sweet-tempered, too. I vonder vhy they vanted to meet us here?"

"Well, maybe t'ey want to spend time alone. Now, don't fight it," Remy told him when he started to protest. "Just be glad our wives had early dinner dates."

"Oh, that is right," Piotr looked sad.

The doorbell rang.

Outside the door, Kitty and Anna were in rather good disguises. Anna looked twice her age. She was wearing a blue, flowered dress; a wig and a bonnet; a lot of make-up, and about twenty layers of clothing underneath to make herself look fat. She looked at Kitty. "Is this _absolutely_ necessary?"

Kitty turned to her, "Of course, it is!" She was wearing a yellow, button-down frock that looked home-made and thirty years out of fashion. She was wearing a red wig with braids, and false teeth. She had painted a huge mole on her cheek.

Both of the girls were wearing contacts.

When Piotr opened the door, Remy turned away in shock. Kitty stepped in, wearing a stupid grin, and said, "Hy thar."

Piotr tried to be nice, "How do you do?"

Kitty continued her charade, "We be lookin' fer a coupla fellers named Piotr an' Remy. Be you they?"

Remy shook his head furiously, but Piotr answered, "Um, yeah, that vould be us. I am Piotr and that is Remy."

"We be yer dates," Kitty said, walking in. She was toting a big whiskey jug.

Anna was holding an umbrella.

Piotr grabbed Kitty's arm and pulled her toward Remy, "This vone is yours, Remy."

"Oh, no," Remy gasped. He would rather spend the entire evening alone with Anna than this, well, whatever this was.

Kitty walked up to him, grinning stupidly. Anna was sure that grin made her IQ go down 50 points.

Piotr looked at Anna and did a double take, "This vone is yours, too, Remy."

"Ha ha ha," Remy managed.

"Wai a minut, thar's been a mistake, young feller. Ah'm gonna have that big man right oveh thar," Kitty said, pointing at Piotr, "an' this one is yers, Ma!"

Anna grinned just as stupidly as Kitty. She used her umbrella around Remy's neck to pull him closer. "Come 'ere an' lemme look et chu."

Kitty had gone to stand near Piotr. Piotr tried to think of a way out of this horrible situation. "There must be some mistake here. Ve are vaiting for some friends of Jean Summers."

"Yup, that's us 'en," Kitty nodded profusely. "Ah'm Eunice, and this 'ere's my ma."

Anna nodded.

"That is your mother?" Piotr asked.

"It is?" Kitty said, "Oh! Yeah, it is! Ah knew that!" She smacked Piotr's shoulder.

Remy looked scared. Piotr thought quickly. "Oh girls, it is nice you come over, but an emergency just came up and ve have to change plans."

"Oh, lookit him, Ma. He's shy!" Kitty grinned wider, if that is possible. "Whatsa matter, sonny boy? Come on, kiss meh, kiss meh, kiss meh," she chanted as she chased him around the room. She managed to corner him at the desk and kissed him as he fell backwards onto it. She stood up and yelled to Anna, "Oh boy, Ma, this is fun!"

Anna was having a hard time not laughing her butt off, and yet, she was jealous, too. There was no way she could pull that routine on Remy, not unless she wanted him dead. It was hard to keep grinning like a maniac, but she did.

Kitty pushed Piotr onto the couch. He fell onto the floor. He was in such shock that he just toppled over. She climbed on him and grabbed his face. "Whatsa matter, boy? Ain't Ah yer type?"

"Well," Piotr tried. Kitty kissed him again.

Anna laughed a fake laugh. "Oh, Ah do love seein' youngsters tagethar havin' fun!"

"Remy don't think Piotr's having much fun," Remy said. "Don't break him, Eunice! He's got a rehearsal in t'e morning."

"Oh, ya kill joy! Come on oveh 'ere and si' down." She dragged him with the umbrella and forced him into the chair. It wasn't hard for Anna, not with Carol's powers.

Piotr, gaining consciousness for a moment, used his strength to get out from under Kitty and stood up. "He is right. I have rehearsal in the morning."

"Are ya an acter feller?" Kitty asked.

"No, no," Piotr sighed.

"Then whatcha gotta be at rehearsal fer?"

"I am a singer," Piotr.

"Sing sumthan'" Kitty said.

"Oh, no," Piotr said.

"Okay, let's neck!" Kitty started to move toward him.

Piotr put up his hand, "Okay, I vill sing." He grabbed a guitar and asked her what she wanted to hear.

"Oh, any lil' ditty," Kitty grinned. He strummed the guitar. "Oh, that was beautiful! Let's neck!"

Piotr backed away and started playing a lively Russian tune. He started singing along. Kitty swayed back and forth behind him. She planted a kiss on his cheek. He immediately stood up and started walking away. She followed. He backed away from her. Anna decided she could at least hug Remy. So she did. He freaked out and jumped up, backing away right into Piotr. Remy decided to stick with Piotr and started trying to sing along, until Kitty cornered them by the fireplace and Remy snuck off. He tried to leave, but Anna pointed to the chair and he sat down. Kitty got a new idea and started to dance a country jig, badly, and sing along, again badly. She grabbed Anna's arm and pulled her into it. Anna started dancing badly as well. At the end of the song, Kitty was leaning close to Piotr over the couch. Anna was sitting on Remy's lap.

Remy groaned. He tried to think of a way to get the girls off of them. "We should play some poker. Anyone got any cards? Remy's fresh out."

"Oh, yeah," Piotr said, squirming away from Kitty.

"Ah know whar they are, sonny boy, Ah'll get 'em fer ya." Kitty went over to the desk and started to dig in the drawer.

Something clicked in Piotr's brain. _How can she know vhere ve keep the cards unless – Kitty!_ "I vould like to get a glass of vater. Remy, come on."

"Whatsa matter, sonny, cantcha carry a glassa water by yerself?" Kitty laughed.

Remy stood up, knocking Anna off of him.

The guys went into the kitchen. Remy headed towards the back door. "Let's get out of here while we can!"

"Vait, vait. Vait a minute."

"Wait for what?"

"Did you notice she knew exactly vhere the cards vere?" Piotr asked.

"T'at was funny, n'est pas?" Remy said.

"You know vho those two creeps are in there?" Piotr challenged. Remy shook his head, whether in doubt or disbelief. "That is Kitty and Anna."

"Oh, non," moaned Remy. "Remy would know his own wife." He peeked through the door. "Oh great, it is Anna! What do t'ey t'ink t'ey're trying to pull?"

"Nevermind, I have idea," Piotr said. "Let us turn the tables, so they say. Ve vill go out there and give them the same treatment they have been to giving us."

"Piotr, homme, tu es a genius!" Remy laughed. They headed back to the living room.

Kitty jumped up. "Oh thar ya are, Piotr boy. Ah've been waitin' ta pitch a lil' woo witcha, hog style." She got into a bad wrestling stance.

"Okay," Piotr said. "Only if ve do it Russian style." He started toward her. She backed up.

At the same time, Remy jumped onto the couch next to Anna. He gathered her in his arms and tried to kiss her, knowing that would be enough to set her off.

Kitty was practically screaming as she tried to get away from Piotr. She ran around the room as he chased her. "Ah'm getting' outa here!"

"Ah'm comin' witcha, Eunice. This creep's tryin' ta unbutton meh hightop shoes!" Anna jumped up and followed Kitty toward the door.

Remy and Piotr burst out laughing.

Piotr called out, "Come visit again, Kitty."

"Nice to have met you, Anna," Remy said with a grin.

The girls stopped and turned around.

"Why, Remy LeBeau!" Anna said.

Kitty lightly punched Piotr on the shoulder, "You know it all the time!"

The guys just laughed.

"Vell, not all the time. You vere very convincing."

Kitty laughed and Anna giggled. "Now, wait a minute!" Kitty said. "Why are we laughing? You two bums were, like, going out with other women!"

Piotr raised his right arm, "Now, I svear, ve only got dates to go to the Daniel's Inferno just to keep an eye on you girls."

"Oh, so we need ya ta keep an eye on us!" Anna growled.

"Shut up, Anna, it's, like totally, romantic!" Kitty squealed.

"Hey, just to prove ve vere doing this out of love, you girls go change your clothes and ve vill all go out and celebrate the LeBeau's anniversary," Piotr said.

Anna and Kitty grinned and hugged their husbands.

As they all four sat in the bleachers at the fights, dressed up as fancy as they could get, Kitty turned to Anna and said dryly, "Happy Anniversary, Anna."

Anna rolled her eyes. Sarcasm rolled off her southern tongue, "Thank you, Kitty."

**AN: Well, I hope you enjoyed reading this. This is all RedWitch's fault for using the Mertz's as code names in her story, "The Final Chapter." This will be my "just write something" story. In other words, when I feel like writing, but don't feel like writing on ASIR or Pirates. . . Then ILK gets written. Updates will probably be erratic as my life is hectic. So, as each chapter is a complete episode, at least there won't be cliff hangers. Have fun and PLEASE REVIEW!**


	2. Be a Pal

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or I Love Lucy, and I certainly do not claim to.**

**AN: Blame it on Red Witch. Blame it on Red Witch. Blame it on Red Witch! **

**Okay, this is highly changed from the original episode because of the Cuba vs. Russia thing.**

**I Love Kitty**

Episode Two:

Be a Pal

Kitty sat beside Piotr, eating breakfast. She is wearing curlers in her hair and pink pajamas with purple dragons all over them. Piotr is dressed in a nice suit. He is reading a newspaper and avoiding eating anything Kitty actually touched by eating grapefruit and drinking the coffee he made himself. "Like, more coffee, dear?"

Piotr didn't answer.

Kitty tried to eat the eggs she cooked earlier. They were really runny and burnt at the same time. They smelled oddly like soy sauce and lemonade. She took a bite and grimaced. She considered for a moment going vegan instead of vegetarian. She looked at the newspaper which hid her husband. "Piotr, more coffee?"

Piotr still didn't answer.

"Are, like, your eggs alright, dear?" she said. Piotr's eggs were untouched and glowing strangely.

He still didn't answer.

"Are your eggs…" she started to ask louder. Then, she gave up and started a conversation with herself. "How are your eggs, Kitty? Oh, they're totally fine, thank you. Would you, like, care for some more coffee? No thanks, I'm just fine. You're a wonderful cook. Oh, you really think so? Oh, thank you! Would you care for sugar in your coffee? Oh, thank you, don't mind if I do." She picked up the sugar bowl and put some in her coffee and stirred it. She continued to force the eggs down and pretend they tasted good. She turned to the newspaper and said, "You _are _back there, aren't you?"

Piotr still didn't answer.

Kitty glared at him. He didn't notice. She put a piece of toast into the toaster and pushed it down. Fortunately, there wasn't any butter or jam on it. She picked up the toaster and angled it at the newspaper. It popped up, burnt to a crisp, and flew over the paper. Piotr reached over and caught it. She slammed the toaster down and stood up. He didn't notice that, either. She walked out of the kitchen, phasing through the door. He still didn't notice. He took a bite of the toast and spit it out. There was a knock at the kitchen door.

"Answer it, dear," he said. The sound of knocking came again. He put the newspaper down and looked around the room. He frowned because Kitty wasn't there. He stood up and headed to the door. He opened it and Kitty walked in.

"Good Morning. Is the lady of the house in?" she asked.

"Katya!" he called, before he noticed that Kitty was standing beside him. "Vhat are you doing out there? The least you could do is stay here and have breakfast vith your husband in the morning."

Kitty glared. She had learned how from watching Anna. He didn't seem to notice her growing glaring skills. She didn't answer. She stomped to her seat and sat down.

Piotr started to follow her, but looked at his watch. "Oh, I only have ten minutes to get to rehearsal. Goodbye, honey, see you for dinner." He leaned over to kiss her. She was so mad that she stuck up her half of a grapefruit for him to kiss. He kissed it and left, still absorbed by the morning's paper.

Kitty couldn't stand another bite of the nasty eggs. She started to clear the table.

Anna decided to stop by at that moment and stuck her head in the window, "Mornin', Kit."

"Hello!" snapped Kitty.

Anna frowned. Kitty was normally perky. It took a lot to get Kitty mad. She knew because she'd tried. She walked in, wearing a robe. Kitty and Anna had become very close quickly. It wasn't unusual for either girl to stop by wearing pajamas in the morning. Anna poured herself some coffee she knew Piotr had made and looked in disgust at the breakfast Kitty had made. Kitty was not in the mood to be twitted about her cooking ability. "What's the matter, Anna? Aren't you hungry?" Her voice had a touch of venom to it.

"Someone rubbed the cat the wrong way this mornin'," Anna remarked, sipping her coffee. "You and Piotr have words?"

"We had words alright," Kitty growled as she cleaned the stove, "but they were, like, all mine! I'm, like totally, sick of eating breakfast opposite a newspaper."

Anna got a strange look on her face, "Does Piotr hide behind his newspaper in the mornin'?"

"Uh huh," Kitty said as she tried to dispose of the eggs properly. They were currently eating their way through the trash bag. She frowned and tried to shove them down the garbage disposal.

"Does he ignore ya and refuse ta answer questions?"

"Exactly!" Kitty said. She turned the water on and flipped the switch to the garbage disposal. It worked but Kitty was almost sure she heard a strange, high-pitched voice screaming as the eggs were torn to bits and flushed down the drain.

"Well, this is a case fer Dr. McCoy," Anna told her.

"Dr. McWho?"

"Dr. McCoy!" Anna told her. Remy had bought her his book last week in an attempt to make a subtle hint. Anna had gotten the hint, but she after she read the book, she had burned it and left it smoldering in a metal waste basket next to his bed. He had gotten the hint, as well. "He just wrote a book called How to Keep the Honeymoon from Ending." Anna had thought it was a good book, but a book designed to help her marriage would have to start at controlling her powers, and there was no books out there to help that.

"Is that a Book-of-the-Week selection?"

"Yup."

"We, like, have it." Kitty went back to cleaning.

"Well, y'all should read it." Anna went to Kitty's desk and found the book. The kitchen door was wide open so Kitty could still hear her.

"Why? What could Dr. McWho'sit, like, know about Piotr?"

"Ah'll show ya," Anna said. She opened the book to the first chapter and started to read. "Chapter One: When Love is on the Way. Often afteh the first years of marriage, the husband seems ta lose interest in the wife. He reads the paper at the breakfast table. He doesn't answer when ya talk ta him. In short, he doesn't seem ta know y'all're alive."

Kitty stopped washing dishes and was listening intensely. "I wonder where Dr. McCoy ever met Piotr."

"More than likely this condition is the fault of the wife," Anna read.

"What?" Kitty said, rushing into the living room. "That's, like totally, a bunch of nonsense!"

"Contrary ta what some wives might think, this is not a bunch of nonsense," Anna read on. Research shows that this condition starts when the wife becomes careless about her appearance. Let her ask herself these questions: Does she come to breakfast with her hair in curlers?" Kitty pulled one of her curlers out. "Is she sloppy in her attire?" Kitty looks down at her pajamas and tries to straighten them out. "Does she ferget ta make up her face?" Kitty placed her hand over her face, having not put her make-up on that morning. "Is the answer ta these questions 'yes'?" Kitty nodded. Anna read on, "Then it is time fer the wife ta do somethin' about it."

"What?" asked Kitty.

"Dress up fer yer husband at breakfast. Be glamorous and sophisticated. Make yerself so attractive he not only will pay attention ta ya durin' breakfast, he won't even want ta leave fer the office."

"I'll do it!" squealed Kitty. "Tomorrow morning I'll be simply dazzling!"

The next morning, Kitty walked into the kitchen in a pink sparkling gown. She had enough make-up on to be a lounge singer, and her hair was perfectly flawless. She looked gorgeous. She acted ridiculous. Piotr was already reading the paper. She waltzed over and got in front of the paper. "Good morning, Piotr, darling," she says in a sultry voice.

Piotr didn't notice.

Trying not to show her frustration, Kitty leaned against the table. "More coffee, Piotr, darling?"

Piotr didn't answer.

She sat on the table and leaned as close as she could to his ear. She whispered, "More sugar, dear? Cream?"

Piotr still didn't answer.

She got off the table and went behind him, getting as close as possible. "Jam on your toast, sweetheart?"

Piotr didn't answer again.

Kitty stomped her high-heeled foot. "I, like, want a divorce!"

Absently, Piotr said, "That is nice, dear."

Kitty's face turned red. She took a match and set his newspaper on fire. At first, he didn't notice. That is until the smoke covered the words he was trying to read. He jumped up. "Fire! Fire! Kitty! Fire!" He put the paper in the sink and turned the water on. Smoke rose from the sink. He turned it off and looked behind him. Kitty was standing there with her arms crossed and an angry expression on her face. "Vhat is matter vith you? Are you crazy or something?"

Kitty glared back. "Look at me!"

He leaned in close to look at her. "You do not look so good."

Kitty's jaw dropped. "What?"

"Let me see your tongue. Say 'ah'." Kitty followed his direction. "I think you should go and see a doctor."

Kitty pushed his hand away. "There's, like, nothing wrong with me!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm, like totally, sure!"

"Oh, thank goodness. Goodbye, sveetheart. I have got to go." He left.

Kitty wanted to cry. She followed him to the door, "But Piotr…" He had already left. "Oh, Anna and that stale book of hers!" She picked up her phone and dialed Anna's number.

In the meantime, Anna had come over. She came up behind her. "Hello."

"Hello, Anna. What're you doing?"

"Drinkin' coffee?" Anna said, holding a fresh cup of Piotr-made coffee.

"Well, come up here and, like, have coffee with me, would you?" Kitty asked the phone.

Anna raised her eyebrow. "What are y'all talkin' about, Kit?"

"I can't hear you, could you, like, talk into the phone?" Kitty's voice sounds forlorn.

Anna tapped a gloved finger against Kitty's bare shoulder. "What?"

"Oh, hi, Anna, I'll be with you in a minute. I have to go, Anna. Anna's here." She looked at the phone strangely as she hung it up. Then she screamed.

Anna looked at her like she'd lost her mind. "Ah've been here all along. Shesh, that is way too much pink, sug."

"I like pink," Kitty defended.

"How'd it go?" Anna asked. She lived vicariously through her friend's love life, not having one of her own since the big fight she'd had with Remy. She can't afford for Kitty's love life to fail.

"Terrible," Kitty said, taking off her high-heels.

"What happened?"

"Nothing! He, totally, didn't notice me," Kitty said with a sigh.

Anna frowned. "Oh, Ah'm sorry. Ah can't imagine why it didn't work. Well, let's see what Dr. McCoy has ta say."

Kitty looked skeptically at her friend. "Oh, like, forget that tired Dr. McCoy. What does he know? Be glamorous in the morning. Like totally, be sophisticated. This method cannot fail!" She laughed sarcastically.

Anna rolled her eyes, "Now, just wait a gall-darned minute. Let's take a look at Chapter Two. If the method in Chapter One fails…"

"And it, totally, did!" Kitty snapped.

Anna glared at her for interrupting, "If the method in Chapter One fails, y'all should next try the 'Be a Pal' system."

"The what?" Kitty asked, interested. Her pink gown sparkled in the light.

"Share yer husband's interests. Join in his hobbies. If he hunts, take up huntin'. If he fishes, take up fishin'. If he golfs, take up golfin'."

Kitty sighed, "Piotr plays poker. I'll, like, have to take up poking. Hey, Piotr's playing tonight, isn't he?"

"Yeah, with Remy and the boys down in our apartment."

"I'm going to join that game!" Kitty declared, sitting next to Anna on the couch.

"Atta girl," Anna agreed.

"Oh, wait a moment, I, like, don't know _how _to play poker."

"Oh, it's easy. Ah'll teach you," Anna said with a wave of her hand.

"In one afternoon?"

"Kitty, Ah married the Swamp Rat. He's the King of Poker. Of course, Ah can teach ya in one afternoon." Anna's eyebrow was raised.

"How do we start?"

"Well, it's a lot like Hearts, only ya bet, and there's no Old Maid," Anna said. Kitty gave her a look. "Just kiddin'. Let's get a deck."

Later the evening, Remy, Piotr, Johnny, and Victor sat around Anna and Remy's poker table. Remy has been winning, hands down. He just won another round.

"I think you're cheating," Victor growled.

"Homme, when you're t'is good, you don't have to cheat," Remy said with a smirk. He grabbed the chips and started stacking them.

"Why do we play with him again?" Johnny asked Piotr.

"He is my best friend," Piotr answered firmly.

Remy smirked again.

Just about that time, Kitty walked through the door, holding trick cards and dressed up like a poker dealer at a casino. She even had the green plastic hat. "Hey, fellas. Hiya, Johnny! Hiya, Victor!" She smacked her gum loudly and played with the trick cards. Piotr, Remy, Johnny, and Victor all looked at her like she'd lost her mind.

"Kitty, vhat is going on?"

"Well, I, like, thought I'd join the game, if you guys don't mind."

Piotr raised an eyebrow, "Look, Katya, ve vould love to play vith you, but you do not to know how to play poker."

"Ah, sure I do! Anna taught me this afternoon!" whined Kitty.

Remy shook his head. Anna was good at poker, but he didn't think anyone could learn all of her tricks in one afternoon.

"I'll just sit right in here," she said. She grabbed a chair and stuck it right in between Piotr and Remy. "Would you guys, like, mind scooting over a bit?"

Piotr looked at Victor and Johnny. "Do you guys mind?"

"Nah," Johnny said. He scooted over.

"I guess not," Victor grumbled.

"Good!" Kitty squealed. "Like, let's get started!"

Remy decided there was no use in arguing if Anna was behind this. "Go on and deal t'e cards, Johnny."

"Oh, alright," Johnny said. He dealt the cards.

Kitty sat smacking her gum. "I don't have any of those little round things."

Piotr glared for a moment, but gave her some of his. "Here, honey, I vill finance you."

Kitty grinned. For a moment, Piotr felt like he couldn't breathe. Then, he got back into the game. "Oh, is this money? Ooo…" She picked up the chips and let them fall on the table, scattering everywhere. Piotr rolled his Russian eyes and picked them up for her. Piotr looked at the guys with apology in his eyes. Kitty picked up her first card. "Ooo, a queen." She picked up her second card. "There's her sister!"

Piotr sighed, "Sveetheart, you are not to be telling us your cards."

"Oh, it's, like, a secret?"

"Da, da, a secret," he said.

Remy laughed.

Kitty grinned at him, "What'd you get, Remy? What'd you get?"

"Well, Remy shouldn't talk, but you can tell your twins not to wait for t'eir triplet."

Kitty laughed with him. Piotr wanted to sink into the floor. Victor groaned. "I'll open for two." He placed two chips onto the table.

"I am in," Piotr responded by placing two chips on the table.

Kitty sat there looking at her cards. Remy coughed. She looked at him in confusion. Piotr sighed. "Honey, if you vant to stay in the pot, you have to be putting in two chips."

"Oh!" She put them in.

Remy and Johnny soon followed without comment.

Johnny started the round of collecting cards. Victor and Piotr both took two. Remy coughed at Kitty again. "How many cards you vant, Kitty?" Piotr asked her.

"Oh, I get more?" Kitty asked.

"Katya, you have to get rid of vorst cards in order to get new vones," Piotr explained.

"Oh," Kitty looked at her cards, contemplating. Remy coughed again. She glared at him. "I'm, like totally, thinking! I can't decide whether to get rid of my two queens or my three kings." Remy, Victor, and Johnny threw their cards down. Piotr sat his down after them. Remy shoved the ten chips to her pile. "What're you doing that for?"

"Because as much as ve hate to admit it, you von," Piotr said.

"I did!" she exclaimed cheerfully. "Hey, this is fun!" She laughed. Piotr normally liked Kitty's laugh, but not when he was being humiliated by her.

Piotr set the deck in front of Victor. "You deal, Victor."

Kitty grabbed the deck. "I think I'll deal, guys!" She started flipping the cards around the table. Half of them were landing face up. Piotr's face turned red. "I'll fix it!" Kitty said, pushing the cards this way and that. The guys helped her. She finally got her cards sorted out. "Everybody got their cards?" Remy opened. Everyone put in two chips around the table until it got to Kitty again. Remy coughed at her again. She glared at him. "Oh!" She put in her two chips.

"Cards, dear," Piotr reminded her.

"Oh!" She picked up the deck and held them to him.

"No, the other vay around, dear."

She held them to Remy. "Remy's fine."

"You look tired," Kitty said.

"Remy tired of t'is game," he muttered under his breath.

Johnny heard him and laughed. "Two."

Kitty gave him two cards and held them toward Victor. Victor took two as well. She held them toward Piotr again. "Three for me, please." Kitty gave him three and decided she wanted three as well. She set three cards on her hand and then picked through it to find the best hand. The guys all glared at Piotr. Piotr turned red again. He mouthed, "Sorry."

When Kitty was done breaking the rules, she coughed at Remy. He bet three chips. Johnny, Victor, and Piotr folded. Kitty tried to see Remy's cards, but he turned them away. "How 'bout you, Peepin' Tom?"

Kitty giggled nervously because she'd been caught. "Oh." She put in five chips. "I'll put in five."

"Remy'll see your raise and raise you two."

"I'll, like, see your raise and raise _you_ two."

Anna peeked through the door to see how it was going. She grinned to see Remy and Kitty betting back and forth. She ducked out merrily.

Kitty was about to place another bet when she stopped and said, "Piotr, run over it for me, will you?"

"Run over vhat?"

"You know, what beats what?" Kitty asked.

Piotr put his head in his hand. "Two pairs beat a pair."

Kitty looked at her cards thoughtfully. "Uh huh, go on."

"Three of a kind beats two pair," Piotr said sullenly.

Kitty counted her cards, "Go on."

"A straight beat three of a kind," Piotr and Remy said together.

"Uh huh, go on," Kitty said with a grin.

"A flush beats a straight," the two men told her.

"Go on."

"A full house beats a flush," all four men said.

"Go on," she said.

"Four of a kind beats a full house," the men all say.

"That's the one!" she squealed.

Remy threw his cards down, careful not to charge them. He pointed to the chip pile, "T'ere all yours."

"Oh, yay!" She pulled all the chips to her.

"Honey?" Piotr asked. "Just out of curiosity, vhat vere your four of a kind?"

"What? I didn't have a four of a kind. I had a pair. See?" She held up the offending two cards.

"Kitty, this is a nine, and this is a six," Piotr tells her.

She laughed. "Oh, you're, totally, right. Isn't that funny, Remy. I beat you and I didn't even have a pair!"

Remy's eyes narrowed. "Yeah, Kitty, real funny."

The next day, after Breakfast, Anna stopped by to see how things went. She opened the book to Chapter Three. Kitty is back in her pink pajamas with purple dragons on them and curlers in her hair. Kitty whines, "Oh forget that book, will you? As far as I'm concerned Dr. McCoy can go jump off a cliff. This morning, Piotr didn't even speak to me."

Anna rolled her eyes. "He hasn't been speakin' ta y'all in the mornin' fer weeks."

"Well, it was, like, the _way_ he didn't speak to me this morning."

"And Dr. McCoy knows why. Chapter Three. One thing ta remembeh about the 'Be a Pal' system in Chapter Two is if ya play games with yer husband, be sure not ta win."

"Oh dear," Kitty said.

"Oh, Kit, ya didn't!"

"Well…"

"Kitty, even Ah know that! Ah neveh beat Remy in front of his friends," Anna told her.

"Sheesh. What else does the stupid book say?"

Anna began to read again, "If methods One and Two have failed, there is one last desperate measure. Ah suggest that the wife become a motheh."

"I suggest he mind his own business!" Kitty exclaimed.

"Now, let me finish," Anna said as she wagged her finger in Kitty's face. "Most men marry a woman that reminds them of their mother."

"Is that why Remy married you?" Kitty says bitingly.

Anna shrugged. "Remy neveh had a motheh. Ah guess that could be it. Ah mean, why else marry a gal ya can't touch?"

Kitty considered this for a moment. "Okay, go on."

"This is because most men have happy memories of their carefree childhood." Anna laughed at that. Remy had a horrible childhood. He wouldn't want to relive it for anything. She read on. "So motheh yer husband. Baby him."

Kitty thought about it. "Treat Piotr like a baby?" He was very big compared to her. It seemed a little out of the question. She looked at the napkin and tried to fold it like a diaper.

Anna kept reading, "…and surround him with thin's that remind him of his boyhood."

Kitty declared, "I, like, don't think I know how to fold one of these things."

Anna looked at her like she'd lost her mind. "Kit, Ah don't think that's what he meant. Ya know, Ah wouldn't be surprised if yer whole trouble is Piotr misses Russia."

Kitty put the napkin down, embarrassed at her mistake. "Oh, you, like, think so?"

Anna nodded. "Y'all should fix this place up so it reminds him of his happy childhood in Russia."

"What do you want me to do, go buy a snow cone machine?" Kitty asked.

"Y'all'll have ta be more drastic than that," Anna said. "This time, ya really gotta shock him."

"You're right!" Kitty declared. "This time he'll notice me or I'll know the reason why! What can we do?"

"Well, what do ya know about his childhood, sugah?" Anna asked.

"Not too much. All I know is, like, his mother was a singer, and it was really cold."

"Perfect!" Anna said.

"How is that perfect? I can't sing at all! I sound like a bull moose pulling his foot out of the mud!" Kitty told her.

"So what, ya've got an mp3 player and speakers, haven't ya?" Kitty nodded. "We'll download a song, and Ah'll play it here in the kitchen while y'all pretend ta…"

"While I, like, pretend to…" Kitty got the idea.

"That's it!" Anna said.

Kitty squealed with delight and giggled.

When Piotr came home that night, he wondered if he was in the right house. The entire living room was covered in white flakes. It wasn't snow, but it looked like it. It was very cold as well. The whole place was decorated like a stereotyped Russian house, down to the little nesting dolls on the shelf. There was a yak eating the curtains. Piotr stared into the yak's eyes. "Uh, Kitty?"

He saw a Russian Princess and figured it must be Kitty. He grabbed it, but it fell over. It was a manikin. He spied another one and went to knock it over, too, but it screamed. The manikin turned around. She was wearing a beautiful fur coat with a blond wig and a nice fur hat. Her hands were in a muff. Her green eyes looked out at him. Piotr asked Anna, "Vhere is my apartment?"

"This is it," Anna tries a Russian accent. "Your Mama vill to be here soon." She rushes off to start the music.

Piotr was shocked. He wondered why Anna was wearing a blond wig and why his apartment looked like the stage of a bad comedy show. Kitty came out, dressed in an outfit similar to Anna's, only with a lot more pink and glitter. She was also wearing a blond wig. She started to lip sing the Russian melody that was playing. Piotr could do nothing but stare at her as she danced gracefully around the frozen room. She looked like she belonged in a snow globe. It was a beautiful dance. He thought she must have gone crazy.

At the end of the song, Kitty asked in a fake Russian accent, "How are you, comrade? How do you like the dacha?" (1)

Piotr didn't know how to respond. "Katya, have you lost your mind? Vhat is all of this?"

"Ve make everything nice for you like vhen you vere a little boy in Russia. You like?"

Piotr's jaw dropped. "No, I do not."

"Oh, you do not?"

"No, I do not. Katya, vill you please explain the meaning of all of these?" He pointed out the strange condition of his living room.

Kitty gave up her Russian accent. "I thought you were, like, getting tired of me. So I thought if our home reminded you of Russia, you might like me a little better."

"Oh, Katya, darling. If I vanted things Russian, I have stayed in Moscow. That is vone reason I marry you. You are so different from everyone I know in Mother Russia."

"Like, really?" She looked at him and smiled.

"Really," he said. He hugged her to him and kissed her.

**AN: (1) A dacha is what people call a Russian country house.**

**Ok, the main reason I wrote this chapter so quickly is because I left off the disclaimer for the last chapter. So, I just wanted to say that I did not own X-Men: Evolution or I Love Lucy when I posted the first chapter, either!**

**Um, I hope y'all enjoyed this chapter. It really is fun to write this little thing.**


	3. The Diet

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or I Love Lucy, and I certainly do not claim to.**

**AN: Blame it on Red Witch. Blame it on Red Witch. Blame it on Red Witch! **

**I Love Kitty**

Episode Three:

The Diet

Anna had long ago taken over a lot of Kitty's cooking duties, for Piotr's sake. The two couples spent a lot of time together, and it was just safer for themselves and the apartment. So that night, the four of them relaxed in Kitty and Piotr's living room after eating a lovely Southern meal. They were all drinking Piotr's coffee.

"Boy, Remy ate too much," he said.

"Me, too. I can hardly move," Piotr said.

"They make quite a picture, don't they, Kitty?" Anna asked.

"Yeah, like, Porky and Fatso taking it easy," Kitty agreed.

Naturally, Remy and Piotr, who are only a little overweight, take offense to this. Remy glared at the girls. "Please, no nagging on a full stomach, petite. Besides, c'est your fault, chère, you put too much food on t'e table."

"Y'all didn't have ta eat everythin' in sight," Anna snapped back.

"Remy only ate 12 crawdads," he complained.

"Like, 16, but who counts," Kitty corrected.

Anna's jaw dropped. "Rems, did ya really eat 16 crawdads!"

"You heard what t'e crawdad counter said," he replied.

"Don't worry about it," Kitty said. "Piotr ate more crawdads than, like, all of us put together." Kitty hadn't eaten any actual crawdads, but Anna had made some lovely tofu crawdads that she had gorged on shamelessly.

"Naturally," Piotr responded.

"Naturally?" Kitty asked.

"Because I am so much the bigger than everyone else," Piotr said. He changed to his metal form to prove his point.

"Funny how you girls were shoveling in t'at food, Remy t'ought you were using a conveyor belt," Remy said, just to get them back for commenting on his 16 crawdads.

"Can't help it," Anna replied, "eatin's my hobby."

"Yeah, you ought to, like, watch that, Anna," Kitty said, getting up to set her cup on the coffee table. Anna glared at her. "Of course it, like totally, doesn't matter what I eat because it doesn't go to fat."

"Vhat does it go to? Thin?" snapped Piotr.

Kitty turned to look at him. "For your information, I, like totally, weigh exactly what I weighed when we were married."

"Ha!"

"Well, I do!" Kitty said, stomping her foot.

"Oh, come now," he said with a sarcastic laugh. "Remy, Anna, and I have all admitted ve are getting little tight, a little puffy, perhaps. Now vhy do you not break down and admit it, too?"

"Well, I would be very happy to join your tubby little trio if it were, like, true, but it, totally, isn't."

"Oh, Kitty, y'all're among friends. Let's be honest," Anna said. She wasn't very much over weight, and she knew Kitty wasn't much overweight either.

"I am being honest!" Kitty said. "When Piotr and I got married, I weighed 110 and I weigh exactly that right now."

"Let us be finding out," Piotr said, standing up to get the scales.

"Now, like, don't bother getting those bathroom scales. They're, like totally, broken!" Kitty called after him.

He leaned out of the hallway and said, "I fix them this morning."

Kitty sat on the arm of the couch and turned to Anna, "Anyway, I'm getting a little bored with this discussion, aren't you?"

"Nope," Anna said. She took a sip of her coffee.

"Oh, like, whose side are you on?" Kitty asked, kicking Anna's chair.

"Ah'm on the side of Piotr and his puffy pals," Anna snapped, making Remy laugh. He always loved her wit.

Piotr came back into the room, carrying the scales and told her to get on them. Remy and Anna gathered around. Kitty resisted but they finally got her on them. "Alright, how much do I weigh?"

"45 pounds, and stop leaning on us," Piotr told her.

She grimaced and stopped leaning on Piotr and Anna. "Like, now, how much?"

"Nothin', unphase," Anna replied.

"Fine!" she unphased and looked at the number. "132!"

Anna looked at her and stated, "On behalf of our tubby trio, Ah welcome ya ta our flabby foursome."

"Vell, now that is over vith, vhat are ve going to do tonight?" Piotr asked, putting the scale away.

"I don't know what you're going to do tonight, but I'm, like totally, going to kill myself," whined Kitty.

"Aw, Katya, so you gain a little veight. Is no big deal," Piotr told her.

"A little weight?" Kitty cried. "I walked into this room weighing 110. I now weigh 132. That's 22 pounds in 10 minutes!"

"Come on, Kit," Anna told her. "What if Ah cried every time Ah gained a pound?"

"We be up to our ears in tears," Remy said.

"Watch it, Swamp Rat," Anna growled.

"I'm, like, nothing but a big bloated bunch of blubber," Kitty said with tears forming in her eyes.

"Aw, honey, do not talk that vay," Piotr said, coming to stand behind her. "I vould not vant you any different than you are just now."

"You wouldn't?" Kitty whined.

"No," he said. "I like you plump."

Kitty started sobbing loudly. She leaned onto Remy's shoulder. Remy looked at Anna for help, but didn't receive any. He didn't know what to do.

Luckily for him, Piotr took over the job of comforting Kitty. "I did not mean it like that, Katya," Piotr said. "I mean you look pretty."

"I'm not worried about you, but how am I going to look on the stage!" She went back to crying.

"The stage!" Piotr exclaimed. "Oh, no. You are not going start that again, are you?"

"Piotr, I know you, like totally, don't want me in show business, but someday, in spite of you, opportunity will knock, and what will happen? I'll, like, be so big and fat I won't be able to get up and answer the door!"

The phone rang. As Piotr got up to answer it, he told her, "Oh, Katya, forget about it, you look vonderful." He reached the phone. It was someone from his work. "Hello. Hi, Pietro. Vhat? Oh, this is a fine time. Vhat am I supposed to do, dance all by myself? Okay, okay. Look, try to get some girls line up, and ve have audition in morning. Goodbye. Oh, hello! Hi, Pietro. Listen, Pietro, vhat vas size of new costume you had made up for Dani? Vell, get girls that size. Goodbye." He hung up.

Kitty stopped crying during the phone call. "What's the matter, Piotr?"

"Dani has quit," Piotr answered.

"Who's Dani?" Remy asked.

"Oh, that's terrible!" Kitty exclaimed.

"Who's Dani?" Remy asked.

"At a time like this," Piotr sighed.

"Who's Dani?" Remy asked.

"Why did she quit?" asked Kitty.

"Who's Dani?" Remy asked.

"She is to be getting married," Piotr told his wife.

"Who's Dani?" Anna asked.

"Danielle Moonstar is the girl who, like, dances with Piotr," Kitty supplied.

"Now what was Remy doing wrong?" Remy asked no one in particular.

"Now I must to be finding a girl vho can sing and dance and teach her the number by Saturday night," Piotr said with another sigh.

Kitty got up and started to dance around the room. She also sang nonsense at the same time.

"Cannot think of a soul," Piotr said, completely ignoring Kitty as she dance-kicked near his head. "Kitty, vould you stop that racket and let me think? Vhat are you so fidgety about? Are your clothes too tight?"

Kitty continued to dance. "No, I was, like, just about to suggest that in this very room, there's, like totally, a very pretty and talented young lady who's a wonderful singer and dancer," she said in a sing-song voice.

"Vho? Anna?" asked Piotr. Remy cocked an eyebrow because he knew how gracefully Anna could move. He winked at his wife, who blushed and shook her head.

"Who? Anna? No, not her! Me!" Kitty said with a pout. Piotr dismissed her with a wave of his hand. "Oh, Piotr, this is a wonderful chance for me! I, totally, know the number! I can take Dani's place! Please!"

"No, that is out of question," Piotr said firmly.

Kitty scowled at the man she loved. "Give me one good reason!"

"Vell, you are – you are too fat," Piotr stammered.

"Fat!" Kitty exclaimed, as if they had not just been arguing about her weight all evening.

"You said so yourself," Piotr told her, more firmly.

"A little plump maybe, but not _fat_," Kitty argued.

While this argument was taking place, Anna and Remy were watching, highly amused and trying not to laugh at them. However, Anna decided the argument might be getting a little personal. So she turned to Remy and said, "Come on, Rems, we betteh go."

"Aw, Remy want to stay and see t'e fight," he complained.

"We can have one when we get home," Anna insisted, tapping her foot. "Come on!" She grabbed his Cajun ear with her gloved fingers, carefully though because she didn't want to crush his ear with her super-strength.

Kitty intervened on Remy's behalf. "No, you two, like, stay right there; I want you for witnesses!" She turned back to Piotr. "Piotr Rasputin, I'm, like, asking you to give me the same chance you would, like, give anyone else. Let me come down and audition for you, just as if I were a stranger. You can forget you ever knew me!"

"That is very tempting offer," Piotr snapped out of anger.

A hurt look crossed Kitty's face. "Aw, can I audition for you? Can I?"

Piotr hated to see Kitty so unhappy. He really loved her more than life itself. He sighed. "Alright, alright, you can be coming down and auditioning in the morning."

Kitty turned to her visitors. "Remy and Anna, you heard that now! You're, like totally, witnesses!"

"Da, but it is going to be strictly business!" Piotr exclaimed, pointing his finger at Kitty. "I never saw you before in my life. Okay, Kitty?" Kitty didn't answer. "Kitty?"

Kitty turned her head to look at him. "I beg your pardon, have we been introduced?" Anna, Remy, and Kitty burst out laughing.

Kitty and Anna walked into Piotr's club the next morning. It was a lovely nightclub, and they were thrilled. At the piano, a man with giant wings sat playing a lovely classical tune. Kitty tried to ask him, but he ignored her completely. Instead she walked over where four girls were sitting on or around a table. She walked up to Amara and asked, "Is this where Piotr Rasputin is auditioning girls for the dance?"

"Yeah, honey," Amara answered, "but if I'd known he wanted older women, I'd have sent my mother." This gets a laugh out of Tabitha, Jubilee, and Rahne.

Kitty looked like she was going to punch her, but Anna held her back. "Don't let that yahoo botheh ya none, sug." She pushed her toward the other side of the table.

Kitty sat in a chair beside the table and looked up at Tabby. "I guess we're all, like, auditioning for the same part, huh?"

Tabby smacked her gum and replied, "Can I give you a tip?"

"Oh, yes!" Kitty said, being very nervous.

"I've known the tin man for a long time," Tabby announced.

"Oh?" Kitty said.

"You're not his type," Tabby declared rudely.

Kitty's face went blank. She wanted to die laughing right then, but that would give away her little secret. _Not Piotr's type, ha!_ She thought. She glanced at Anna. Anna was giggling uncontrollably, and Anna almost never giggled. She looked at the other girls. They were each dressed in short shorts and low-cut tops. She looked at her slacks and sweater combo and felt out of place. So she rolled up her pant legs to her knees and unbuttoned her sweater a bit. She pulled it down off her shoulders, rolled up the sleeves, and tucked the bottom up to show off her midriff. She looked ridiculous.

When she was finished, Piotr walked into the room with a, "Hi, Varren. Hi, girls. Sorry to have been keeping you vaiting."

Warren nodded at him, and kept playing. Piotr set the costume on the piano.

Tabby, Amara, Jubilee, and Rahne all stood up and said, "Hi, Mr. Rasputin."

Kitty got up quickly after them and said, "Hi, Mr. Rasputin."

Piotr looked over and did a double take. He was embarrassed for his wife, but had to keep up the act. "Let us all line up here. Let us all line up," Piotr said to the girls as he pointed to where he wanted them to line up. Kitty had trouble getting into the line, but she pushed her way through into the middle, gaining dirty looks from Rahne and Jubilee. "Ve might as vell get started. Let us see vhat you can do." He gave Kitty another odd look. "Ve vill, uh, ve vill start vith a time step. Okay, Varren?"

Warren started to play a different tune, and Jubilee, Rahne, Amara, and Tabby all danced together as if they had choreographed it. Kitty was left trying to keep up.

Piotr couldn't take it anymore. "That is fine. That is fine. That is enough for now. That is fine, girls. That is fine." He picks up the costume. "Now, eh, you are all size five now, are you?"

The four other girls said, "Yeah," immediately.

Kitty was not a size five anymore. "Yes," she said nervously.

"Vell," Piotr said, "that is good because vhoever gets job has to vear this size five costume." He held it up for the girls to see. He pointed to Kitty and said, "Now, uh, Miss, uh…" He frowned because he didn't know what to call her. He couldn't call her Mrs. Rasputin, or he would destroy the act.

Kitty pointed to herself, "Me? Pryde."

"Miss Pryde," Piotr said. He suddenly had a flashback to their past while they were still dating. He sighed. He motioned for her to come to him, "Come over here, please." She did. "Now, I vant you to take this costume into the dressing room and put it on. Then ve see vhat you can do vith the number."

"Like, yes, sir!" Kitty said. She took the costume and headed to the dressing room. "Thank you!" She managed to grab Anna to help her get the costume on.

Half an hour later, Piotr paced the room. Warren counted the ceiling tiles. Tabby filed her nails. Amara primped in a mirror. Rahne sat on the table with her elbow resting on her crossed knees and her head in her hand. Jubilee played a game on her cell phone, trying hard not to destroy this one with her powers – again. Piotr stopped pacing and let out a deep breath, "Miss Pryve, uh, Miss Pryde?"

"Like, yeah?" she called from the dressing room.

"How are you coming along?"

"Well," Kitty drew out. "I'm, like, almost done putting the costume on!"

"Vell, hurry up, ve are vaiting," he said, leaning on Warren's piano.

"I, uh, I'll be right there. All I have to do is, like, fasten it!"

"Ve are vaiting."

"Just this one last…" A ripping sound came from the dressing room. "Oh!"

"Vhat happened?" Piotr asked. Warren stood up.

Kitty walked into the room. The costume was in tatters. She blushed deeply. The younger girls laughed. "It's, like totally, a very small size five."

Piotr started ranting in Russian to Warren, who looked at him unknowingly, since he didn't understand a word. He turned his rant to Kitty.

She looked at him nervously and said, "Spasiba?" (1)

He glared at her. "Now, I have to be getting new costume."

"Oh, no, you don't, Mr. Rasputin. It's only split in the seams. I can, totally, get Anna to sew it up for you."

"Oh, ya can?" Anna groaned.

Kitty glared at her. Anna glared back.

Piotr took another deep breath. "Look, never mind. Just take it off and leave it in the dressing room, and do not call us; ve vill call you."

"Oh, but Mr. Rasputin," Kitty whined.

"Vhat?" he answered, turning to look at her.

"If I, like, get thin enough to fit the dress, can I, like, have the part?"

A look of frustration appeared on Piotr's face, "Look, the number goes in by Saturday. You could not possibly get thin enough by then."

"But if I do by then, can I?" Kitty begged.

In order to appease her, Piotr nodded. "Alright, alright, good bye."

Kitty ran to Anna. "You, like, heard him, Anna! If I get thin enough to fit the costume, I can, totally, have the part!"

"Do ya really think y'all can take off 12 pounds in four days?" Anna asked.

"I'm going to get rid of this fat if I, like, have to chop it off with a cleaver!" Kitty said excitedly. They left.

Three days later, Anna sat with a stopwatch and a chart. Kitty, dressed in sweats, was running around the apartment, both inside and out, phasing through things as needed. When Kitty came in the next time, Anna stopped the watch and called out, "Wait, wait! That was the last lap."

Kitty dragged herself back into the living room and leaned against the chair.

Anna stood up. "Oh, that's great! Ya did that in two and a half minutes flat! Ya now hold the national indoor record fer the fourth floor dash!" She slapped Kitty on the back cheerfully.

All Kitty could do was breathe heavily and nod at her.

"Y'all've done good work," Anna said. "Ya deserve a rest period."

"Thanks," managed Kitty. She plopped into the chair, feeling half alive.

As soon as her butt hit the chair, Anna smacked her hand on the desk. "Okay, sugah, time's up."

Kitty's eyes grew wide as she forced herself to stand back up.

Anna got up holding a jump rope. "Now y'all have time ta jump this rope 500 times before the boys come home fer dinner."

Kitty shook her head.

"200?"

Kitty shook her head.

"100?"

Kitty shook her head again.

Anna placed the jump rope on Kitty's shoulder. "Well, do as many as ya can."

Kitty tried. She got through two and a half, but fell into the chair again.

"Aw, bless yer heart," Anna said softly. "Y'all've worked really hard. Let's weigh ya." She got the scales from under Kitty's chair. She set Kitty's feet on the scale and tried to help her up, but Kitty's legs flopped off. She set them on the scale again. She tried to lift her, but her hands went right through. She gave Kitty a look. Kitty unphased. She lifted her unto the scales, and Kitty very nearly fell down. "Stiffen up, Kit!" Kitty did and the girls looked down at the scale. "Another five ounces! In three days, y'all've lost nearly two pounds!"

Kitty did not look very happy over this. "Oh, great…"

"Oh, don't get discouraged, sug. Only 10 pounds ta go," Anna waved her sarcasm off. She kicked the scale under the chair. "We'll get ya in a size five."

"Yeah, like, a size five shroud," Kitty declared.

"Now, take a shower and clean up," Anna said. "Ah'll get dinner."

"Dinner?" Kitty gave Anna a goofy grin and licked her lips. "Okay." Anna started to go to the kitchen, while Kitty tried to walk. Her head and upper half turned in the right direction, but her feet stayed firmly in place.

Anna gave her an odd look. "What's the matter?"

"I, like, can't seem to move! Can you, like point me in the right direction?" Kitty answered. Anna pointed her in the right direction and gave her a push. "Thanks," she said as she phased her way through the furniture and walls to get to the shower.

At dinner time, a little purple dragon sat beside the table, which had been set up in the living room. Remy, Kitty, and Piotr sat at the table. Kitty smiled at the two men, happily dreaming about food. Anna walked in carrying two plates. She set the first one in front of Piotr. "Here ya are, Piotr." She set the second one in front of her own husband. "Here ya are, Rems, a nice juicy steak." She left to go get the other plates.

"Oh, Remy loves steak," he said with a grin.

Kitty grinned merrily at the lovely steaks that looked like they were cooked perfectly. There were mashed potatoes with butter and gravy. She licked her lips. She was so hungry that even meat looked good, but Anna had told her she was fixing a special vegetarian meal for her. The thought made her mouth water.

"I hope you do not mind Lockheed being inside. Ve normally keep him outside, but is raining pretty hard," Piotr said.

"No, not at all. Lockheed is one of the least destructive pets in the apartment complex. Remy hardly knows he's here." He petted Lockheed's head. Lockheed seemed to enjoy the petting.

Anna walked in with Kitty's plate. "Here ya are, Kitty." She set the plate in front of Kitty. Apparently, a special vegetarian meal consisted of one stalk of celery. Kitty frowned deeply. Anna sat down with her own plate, which was full of steak and mashed potatoes. Kitty defiantly grabbed the steak sauce and the salt and pepper. She dumped a bunch out over her celery and proceeded to eat it unhappily with a knife and fork. Anna leaned over to look at Remy. "How's yer steak, sug?"

"Parfait, just t'e way Remy like it, chère," he said with a smile.

She grinned and turned to Piotr, "Is yer steak alright, Piotr?"

"Oh, is delicious," Piotr answered. Anna smiled and went back to eating her own steak. "How is your's?"

"Fine, nice and tender," she said before taking another bite.

Kitty waited for someone to ask her about her food. No one did. She had another conversation with herself. "How's your celery, Kitty? Oh, delicious, thanks. Is it cooked enough for you? Oh, yes, just the way I like it, nice and tender."

"Pass the potatoes, Piotr?" Remy asked.

"Oh, sure, here you go," Piotr said. He picked up the bowl and handed it across the table.

Kitty saw this as an opportunity. She picked up her fork and got herself a huge scoop. Anna wouldn't let her eat though. She grabbed Kitty's arm and ate the bite of potatoes before Kitty could phase her arm. Kitty glared at her.

The guys ignored the exchange completely. "T'anks, Piotr."

"You are most velcome," Piotr said.

"Say, Remy's forgettin' 'bout poor Lockheed," he said.

"Yeah, let us not forget about him," Piotr said.

"Remy's gonna give him a nice, juicy piece of t'is steak." First, he made Lockheed beg. Then, he handed Lockheed a bit of meat. Lockheed happily accepted it with a wag of his little dragon tail.

Kitty watched the exchange greedily. She begged along with her pet. She was disappointed when no one paid her any attention.

"You wanna t'ank Remy?" he asked the dragon. Lockheed responded by licking his hand. The dragon had a great fondness for the couple who came over every day and made sure he never got any leftovers of Kitty's cooking.

Kitty was still standing. "I, like, can't stand anymore. I'll, totally, be back later!" She started walking towards the kitchen. She could still smell the aroma of Anna's cooking. There had to be more potatoes in there.

"Nah uh, stay outa the kitchen, Kit," Anna called.

Kitty turned and went out the front door instead.

"How 'bout anot'er biscuit, Anna?" Remy asked. He was in a good mood the past week because they had stopped fighting every five minutes and settled on one good fight a day. This new fighting schedule would probably change before too long, but Remy and Anna were happy with it for now.

"Oh, please," Anna said.

The door shut. Immediately, it quietly opened and Kitty crawled back in, making sure no one noticed her doing it. They were all too busy passing green beans and biscuits. She made it under the table with Lockheed and pulled him close to her.

"Hey, I did not give Lockheed anything," Piotr said suddenly.

"Well, we can't have that," Anna said.

"Indeed," Remy agreed. Lockheed was a really good pet and rarely burned anything down.

"Here you are, Lockheed," he said. He held down a biscuit. Kitty took it and pushed Lockheed out of the way. "Are you going to thank me?" Kitty paused just as she was going to take a bite and liked her husband's hand. While she was doing that, Lockheed grabbed the biscuit. Kitty started wrestling with him. She hit the table, making it bounce. The others looked at each other.

"Who be under t'ere?" Remy said as the table bounced a second time.

Kitty tried to pry open Lockheed's mouth, but couldn't.

Piotr cried out, "Vho is under table?"

"Nobody here but us dragons," Kitty said.

They looked under the table. "Kitty," Piotr said, sounding very disappointed. "Come out from under the table."

Kitty complied unhappily. She hated getting caught and without getting any food either.

"Now, what do you have to say for yourself?" Piotr asked.

"Rawr!" Kitty answered.

"Kitty!"

"Alright, you, like, don't have to get nasty about it," Kitty said. "I'm leaving." She started crawling toward the door.

"Vhere are you going?"

"I'm, like, going down to the corner bakery and smell the bread!" she said, standing up and phasing through the floor.

Kitty was sitting in a box. Her head poked out the top. She looked hot. Anna walked in saying, "Okay, let's get started on our roadwork fer the day. What's that?"

"A human pressure cooker," Kitty said.

"Please tell me ya didn't get that from Forge!"

"No, I'm not _that_ stupid. I rented it from the gym," Kitty said.

A look of relief passed over Anna's face. She shook her head. "Ya really are determined, ain't ya?"

"Of course, I'm, like totally, gonna do that number with Piotr tonight!"

"Did ya lose enough weight?" Anna asked.

"I've got five more pounds to lose and five hours to do it in," Kitty said weakly. "This is my last day!"

Anna frowned. "Y'all spend five hours in that, and it really will be yer last day."

"My only chance, Anna," whined Kitty.

"Well, okay," Anna said, giving up. It was no use arguing with Kitty when she was being this stubborn. "Ah only hope ya know what y'all're doin'." She patted Kitty's head with a towel.

"I, totally, do. Check me at six tonight."

"Yer not really gonna spend all that time in there!"

"I certainly am!"

"Alright, but Ah'll have ta pick ya up with a blotter," Anna said as she left.

At six that night, Anna returned. "Okay, Kit, it's six o'clock. How are y'all doing?" Her eyes grew twice their normal size when she found the box empty. "Kitty!" She rushed to the box. "Where are ya?" She opened the box and peered inside. Kitty was not there. The only thing left in the box was a towel, sitting on the stool. She picked it up. "Kitty! Kitty, is this all that's left?" Anna was about to have a heart attack. She was worried about Kitty's powers and the box having a strange reaction that caused Kitty to melt. She almost started to cry.

Kitty phased through the bathroom wall in a robe and her hair wrapped in a towel. She plopped on the bed. "Practically."

Anna was extremely happy to see her friend. She sat down next to her. "Kitty, y'all gave me an awful fright. Thank Heaven y'all're here!"

"I'm, like, here alright, 120 pounds of me."

"Y'all did it!" Anna exclaimed.

"I'm, like totally, going down to the club and do that number," Kitty said.

"What about that other girl Piotr hired?"

"I'll, like totally, take care of her somehow," Kitty said with a wave of her hand. She got up to change. She nearly fell over, but caught herself on the box.

"Do ya really think y'all can make it?" Anna asked.

"Oh, don't worry about me. I'm, like, as strong as a very weak horse, but I'll make it." She fell unto the box's stool.

At the club, the band is playing a lively tune. They are dressed up like traditional Russian dancers. The melody is a little less Russian, however. Piotr stood in front of the band in a nice suit. He grabbed the bongo player's hat and turned to the crowd of diners. He began to sing the less-than Russian song. The song was a rumba, actually, and he danced along to the beat. He started singing, "They call me Russian Pete. I am king of the rumba beat." He sang through a whole chorus, but when he sang the last line, his jaw almost dropped for a moment because Kitty came onto the stage, decked out in the costume and twirling a sparkling bag. She looked gorgeous. She tapped his shoulder. Piotr turned and saw her. His eyes nearly fell out of his head. He groaned, "Oh, no." He couldn't mess up the dance or it would ruin the act. So he took off his hat and bowed. He looked nervous. Kitty stood there, twirling the bag and swinging her hips.

Kitty started to sing, "They call me Kitty Sweet. I'm the queen of Graymalkin Street." She danced and sang the routine well, making Piotr's heart flutter. "Excuse me, Mr. Pete?" She swung her hips and Piotr nearly fell over. He didn't realize just how well she knew the routine. He raised his eyebrows a couple times to the crowd, straightened his tie, and fixed his hat.

"Da Ma'am," he answered.

"Have the Russians a different beat?" Kitty sang. She swung her hips again, causing another response from Piotr like the first one. He had a feeling doing the routine with her would make it impossible for him to concentrate on dancing.

He sang an answer to her and took her hands. They danced the rumba together while he kept singing. Kitty hips swayed back and forth. Piotr had a hard time keeping his eyes off of them. _This is vhy I did not vant her doing this,_ he thought. At the end of the act, they danced, arm in arm, off the stage. Piotr shook his hat at the crowd.

Anna and Remy were near the stage exit watching. They both grinned and clapped as Piotr and Kitty came out to bow to the crowd.

A few minutes later, Kitty lay down on a stretcher, surrounded by EMTs. She looked up at her husband, "Piotr?"

"Da, Katya?"

"Do I, like, get to be in the show every night now, Piotr?"

"Vell, I am 'fraid not, darling. You vere vonderful, but the doctors say you must to stay in bed for three veeks. You are suffering from malnutrition." He ruffled her hair.

"Ugh," Kitty groaned. The EMTs rolled her off, but as she passed by Anna, she handed her a key and pointed to a janitor's closet furiously.

Anna nodded, but didn't fully understand her urgency. She turned to unlock the closet. Looking in it, she rolled her eyes, sighed and opened the door wide. Inside was the dancer Kitty had replaced that night, all tied up, gagged, and stuffed into the sink.

**AN: (1) Spasiba is the transliteration of the Russian word for thank you.**

**Ugh, I love the song "Cuban Pete," but I had trouble converting it to a version that wouldn't get me in big trouble with FF dot net. So I had to leave it out, and that is why I stopped writing this for a long time. However, in honor of Ms. Lucille Ball's 100****th**** birthday, I decided to finish up the chapter and get it out today! Happy Birthday, Lucy!**


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